Tag: Charles Fay

When is it Okay to Rescue?

Young girl with life ringThose who know Love and Logic™ know the damage done by C.H.P.S.
“Chronic Helicopter Parent Syndrome.”

Parents who chronically rescue their kids from the consequences of their poor decisions create kids who are chronically irresponsible and chronically unhappy.

“You are so weak that you can’t survive without me” is the unintentional yet very real message sent by this parenting style.

While this is true, are there any circumstances when it’s okay, or essential, to rescue our kids?

Absolutely! Foster W. Cline, M.D. provides some “rules for rescue.”
• Don`t hesitate to rescue when life and limb are in danger.
• It’s fine to occasionally rescue really responsible kids.
• It’s typically a big mistake to rescue irresponsible ones.
• It’s often okay to rescue when your child doesn’t expect it.
• It’s almost always unwise to rescue when your child demands it.

Good parents rescue their kids from time to time. Why? Because they realize that some day they may need to be rescued by their kids!

The great challenge for all of us is to determine whether doing so fosters love and mutual respect, or dependency, resentment, and irresponsibility.

Dr. Charles Fay
©2010 Jim Fay, Charles Fay, Ph.d.& Love and Logic® Institute

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Head & Heart Parents is owned by Kerry Stutzman, MSW, a Marriage and Family Therapist and certified Love and Logic Parenting Instructor. In addition to private therapy and parent consulting services, Kerry offers parenting classes and workshops in Denver and the surrounding areas for toddlers, elementary, and teenage children.

As author of the easy-to-read “Save Your Sanity” series, Kerry helps parents save their sanity and sense of humor while raising young children with love and laughter.

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Teaching Our Kids to Be Happy

Teaching Kids to Be HappyAll of us want our kids to grow up to be happy adults. So, what’s the secret to raising kids who see the glass as half full rather than half empty?

Teaching our children that happiness comes from within is probably the most important piece of the puzzle.

In other words, happiness has more to do with how we think about our circumstances than with our actual circumstances.

Much of this optimism is taught through modeling.

When the car has a flat tire, teach your kids to be happy by saying:
“Well, the good thing is that it’s only flat on the bottom!”

When it’s rainy outside, teach them to be optimistic by saying:
“That’s the liquid sunshine that makes flowers grow.”

When you make a mistake, smile and say:
“Wouldn’t it be annoying if you had perfect parents?”

When your kids blow it, pat them on the back and say:
“The great thing about you is that you’re a chip off the old block…you’re great at solving problems.”

Positive parents raise positive kids!

Kerry Stutzman, MSW
©2013 Kerry Stutzman, Head & Heart Parents

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Head & Heart Parents is owned by Kerry Stutzman, MSW, a Marriage and Family Therapist and certified Love and Logic Parenting Instructor. In addition to private therapy and parent consulting services, Kerry offers parenting classes and workshops in Denver and the surrounding areas for toddlers, elementary, and teenage children.

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When Kids Complain About Their Teachers

How does a wise parent respond when his/her youngster says, “My teacher is mean!”?

Because we care deeply for our kids, there are two traps that are far too easy to slip into:

Trap #1:
Mary’s well-meaning mom says, “Don’t worry, honey, I’ll give her a call and get this straightened out.”
Is Mary learning how to solve her own problems?  No!

Trap #2:
Freddy’s well-meaning dad says, “Well, if you would just work a little harder on your homework, I’m sure that she would get off of your case.”
Uh, oh! What are the chances that Freddy’s dad will end up in a run-down nursing home some day?

The Love and Logic way:
Sam’s parents know that empathy is the most important skill. They also know that kids need to learn how to succeed with nice teachers…and demanding ones, too.

These parents respond, “That’s got to be rough. Would you like to hear how some kids get along with tough teachers?”

Kids learn to solve problems and be responsible when we resist the urge to rescue or lecture.


Dr. Charles Fay
©2010 Jim Fay, Charles Fay, Ph.d.& Love and Logic® Institute

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Head & Heart Parents is owned by Kerry Stutzman, MSW, a Marriage and Family Therapist and certified Love and Logic Parenting Instructor. In addition to private therapy and parent consulting services, Kerry offers parenting classes and workshops in Denver and the surrounding areas for toddlers, elementary, and teenage children.

As author of the easy-to-read “Save Your Sanity” series, Kerry helps parents save their sanity and sense of humor while raising young children with love and laughter.

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Avoid “If-Thens” With Strong-Willed Kids

It seems that just about every family has at least one child who spends most of his time trying to figure out what others want.. so that he can do exactly the opposite.

Frustrated by their testy behavior, it’s pretty darn easy to fall into less than effective parenting practices. I hear some of these at the grocery store:
“If you’re really good, then I’ll buy you a candy bar.”
“If you don’t stop that, then you’re going right to your room when we get home!”

When parents are unsuccessful with strong-willed kids it’s frequently because they’ve issued an “if-then.” When their spirited kids hear this, they think, “Now the fight’s on! I’ll show them!”

Ironically, stubborn kids are willing to receive consequences.. and miss out on rewards.. if it means winning a control battle.

When rewards come as a surprise to kids, they have no opportunity to sabotage themselves before they receive them. When we avoid warning them of specific consequences in advance, they spend less time fighting us and trying to figure out how to find the “loop holes” in our plans.

Dr. Charles Fay
©2010 Jim Fay, Charles Fay, Ph.d.& Love and Logic® Institute

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Head & Heart Parents is owned by Kerry Stutzman, MSW, a Marriage and Family Therapist and certified Love and Logic Parenting Instructor. In addition to private therapy and parent consulting services, Kerry offers parenting classes and workshops in Denver and the surrounding areas for toddlers, elementary, and teenage children.

As author of the easy-to-read “Save Your Sanity” series, Kerry helps parents save their sanity and sense of humor while raising young children with love and laughter.

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Can ADHD Kids Learn, Remember, and Behave?

Q: Can kids with ADHD really learn, remember, and behave?
A: ABSOLUTELY!

Q: What’s the secret?
A: Use the very same techniques proven effective with kids who don’t have ADHD.

Q: Are you kidding?
A: No! Here’s why. Children with ADHD have the very same behaviors as children who don’t have ADHD. They just display them far more frequently and intensely. For example, all kids fail to pay attention from time to time, forget what we ask them to do, argue, occasionally misbehave in impulsive ways, and experience bouts of excessive activity, etc.

Q: So, will Love and Logic work with my child with ADHD?
A: Yes! In our CD Calming the Chaos we teach how to match the high frequency and intensity of their challenging behavior with a high frequency and intensity of Love and Logic techniques.

Q: So there’s hope?
A: Yes! As long as you don’t get tricked into believing that they’re incapable of learning and behaving.
Thanks for reading.


Dr. Charles Fay
©2009 Jim Fay, Charles Fay, Ph.d.& Love and Logic® Institute

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Head & Heart Parents is owned by Kerry Stutzman, MSW, a Marriage and Family Therapist and certified Love and Logic Parenting Instructor. In addition to private therapy and parent consulting services, Kerry offers parenting classes and workshops in Denver and the surrounding areas for toddlers, elementary, and teenage children.

As author of the easy-to-read “Save Your Sanity” series, Kerry helps parents save their sanity and sense of humor while raising young children with love and laughter.

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What Comes Around Goes Around

Do you ever worry that your kids might grow up and spend most of their time making excuses about why they are too busy to visit or to help you when you’re the most in need?

Fortunately, there’s a powerful strategy that kills two birds with one stone. It creates kids who’re more likely to help you when you are old…and it also creates kids who’re more likely to do their chores before you get old.

The next time you see your kids working hard at one of their chores, ask them if they’d like your help. Then give them a hand as long as they continue to work at least as hard as you are. Have fun together!

One of the best ways to get children to more frequently do something you want is to pay attention to them when they’re doing it. When we apply this to chores, we get a nice benefit in the short term…and grown kids who are far more willing to help us out in the long term.


Dr. Charles Fay
©2009 Jim Fay, Charles Fay, Ph.d.& Love and Logic® Institute

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Head & Heart Parents is owned by Kerry Stutzman, MSW, a Marriage and Family Therapist and certified Love and Logic Parenting Instructor. In addition to private therapy and parent consulting services, Kerry offers parenting classes and workshops in Denver and the surrounding areas for toddlers, elementary, and teenage children.

As author of the easy-to-read “Save Your Sanity” series, Kerry helps parents save their sanity and sense of humor while raising young children with love and laughter.

Be Careful About Taking Away What Your Kids Need the Most

When we’ve got a seriously underachieving youngster, it’s awfully tempting to resort to taking away all sorts of things in a desperate attempt to motivate them to do their schoolwork.

Sadly, this often backfires, leading the child to become even more resistant about learning.

Most of us wouldn’t feel that motivated if our spouse said, “Ok, that’s it! No more golf [or whatever else we might love to do] until I start getting some better reports from your boss!”

While it’s entirely reasonable to set some limits on TV, video games, and other entertainment activities when kids are doing poorly in school, taking them out of their favorite sport, Boy Scouts, music lessons, etc. is a bad idea. The research is clear:
Children who are involved in a healthy extracurricular activity are far less likely to get involved in drugs, sex, gangs, and other high-risk activities.

Kids who are struggling in school need at least one natural high…so that they aren’t so tempted by various artificial ones.


Dr. Charles Fay
©2009 Jim Fay, Charles Fay, Ph.d.& Love and Logic® Institute

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Head & Heart Parents is owned by Kerry Stutzman, MSW, a Marriage and Family Therapist and certified Love and Logic Parenting Instructor. In addition to private therapy and parent consulting services, Kerry offers parenting classes and workshops in Denver and the surrounding areas for toddlers, elementary, and teenage children.

As author of the easy-to-read “Save Your Sanity” series, Kerry helps parents save their sanity and sense of humor while raising young children with love and laughter.

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All the Other Kids Get to Do It!

If your kids are old enough to talk, you’ve probably heard things like:
“Jackie’s parents let her watch anything on TV she wants to.”
“Mandy gets to have her computer in her room. Like…this is the 21st century.”

Some of us have even heard horrifying things like:
“Robert’s parents buy him beer for his parties. What’s the big deal?” or…
“Michelle’s mom doesn’t care if her boyfriend spends the night in her room. Her mom trusts her.”

My message for this week is a simple one:

Our kids learn to resist peer pressure by seeing us do it.

If we back down when our kids argue, manipulate and try to use guilt, they’re far more likely to do the same when their friends turn up the heat.

One of the handiest involves responding to arguments by calmly repeating the same loving one–liner such as:
“I love you too much to argue”
“Probably so”
“What did I say?”
“I argue at 6 a.m. on Saturdays” My personal favorite for the teen years.

Doing this will make them mad in the short term, while teaching them how to live happier, healthier lives in the long term.


Dr. Charles Fay
©2009 Jim Fay, Charles Fay, Ph.d.& Love and Logic® Institute

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Head & Heart Parents is owned by Kerry Stutzman, MSW, a Marriage and Family Therapist and certified Love and Logic Parenting Instructor. In addition to private therapy and parent consulting services, Kerry offers parenting classes and workshops in Denver and the surrounding areas for toddlers, elementary, and teenage children.

As author of the easy-to-read “Save Your Sanity” series, Kerry helps parents save their sanity and sense of humor while raising young children with love and laughter.

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Some Thoughts on Video, Games, Computer Games, and TV

 

Over the past two decades, video and computer games have become dramatically more fast-paced, realistic, and stimulating.

Not long after their introduction, I began to suspect that these games had the same addictive potential as drugs, alcohol, and gambling. Today, family therapists and researchers have confirmed my fears. Listed below are some tips for helping your child avoid getting hooked:
Don’t allow your child to have a computer in their room.

Allow them to play these games no longer than thirty minutes per day.

If your child becomes sneaky, non-compliant, or defiant about this time limit, remove this privilege.

Children birth to six should spend no time playing these games, watching videos, or viewing television.

So-called “educational” games, videos, and shows are no substitute for real-life learning activities, involving movement, problem-solving, and human relationships.


Dr. Charles Fay
©2009 Jim Fay, Charles Fay, Ph.d.& Love and Logic® Institute

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Head & Heart Parents is owned by Kerry Stutzman, MSW, a Marriage and Family Therapist and certified Love and Logic Parenting Instructor. In addition to private therapy and parent consulting services, Kerry offers parenting classes and workshops in Denver and the surrounding areas for toddlers, elementary, and teenage children.

As author of the easy-to-read “Save Your Sanity” series, Kerry helps parents save their sanity and sense of humor while raising young children with love and laughter.

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Don’t Sit on the Potty

Okay, I guess the title of this week’s tip is a bit perplexing. So is the whole subject of potty training little tykes who’ve developed “throne aversion syndrome.”

Once this sad condition takes hold, the resulting power-struggles can be enough to bring even the strongest adult to their knees.

If you’re beginning to fight with your little one over using the potty, stop right away. That’s right! The more you battle, the longer it will take-and the more tears of frustration will be shed by both you and your child.

In our book, Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood, we teach the single most powerful technique for teaching young children anything:

Model the behavior with great joy and excitement.

Sure, it may feel a bit embarrassing to some folks, but it goes a long way toward teaching the skills you want and replacing anger and frustration with smiles and giggles.

Another powerful strategy involves using a little paradoxical or “reverse” psychology. The only thing that would get our youngest to start sitting on the potty was looking at him with a faux-stern look and saying:

“Whatever you do, don’t go into that bathroom and sit on the potty.”

Being just like his father, he couldn’t resist the challenge! Over the years, we’ve met many parents who were desperate enough to give this strange approach a shot. Time after time we hear them say, “It was the strangest thing. As soon as we backed off trying to make her, she began wanting to do it on her own.”

Wishing you and your family a safe and happy Thanksgiving!


Dr. Charles Fay
©2009 Jim Fay, Charles Fay, Ph.d.& Love and Logic® Institute

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Head & Heart Parents is owned by Kerry Stutzman, MSW, a Marriage and Family Therapist and certified Love and Logic Parenting Instructor. In addition to private therapy and parent consulting services, Kerry offers parenting classes and workshops in Denver and the surrounding areas for toddlers, elementary, and teenage children.

As author of the easy-to-read “Save Your Sanity” series, Kerry helps parents save their sanity and sense of humor while raising young children with love and laughter.

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